Almost News: The Wild Times
April 11, 2008 Olympic Torch Gone Wild
Wild Apple officials sought to calm the international community, denying any direct involvement in the Olympics or the torch relay. “It’s perfectly reasonable that people would be confused,” stated company spokesperson Dalilah Mah. “Wild Apple’s images are on fire, they’re worldwide, and many customers carry the torch for Wild Apple.”
March 17, 2008 Wild Apple Denies Ties to Client #9
While acknowledging the seductive power of their artwork, and admitting that the company has in fact exchanged art for money, Wild Apple officials repudiated any involvement in the high profile case embroiling New York’s exiting governor. “It’s ironic that the crusader who cracked down on illegal art rings succumbed to its attractions,” said spokesperson Garr Denoviden. “For what he spent, he could have collected so much Wild Apple art – and it would have lasted a lot longer too.”
January 20, 2008 Wild Times Hit Hard by Writers Strike
Almost News: The Wild Times faced a shortage of material due to the writers strike and not, as rumored, due to sheer laziness of the author. Putting a positive spin on a tough situation, company spokesperson L. Wright said, “Fortunately for us, nobody really noticed. We’re lucky that way – nobody actually reads this column.” Applying the scientific formula stating that 1 Picture = 1,000 Words, Wild Apple already offers the equivalent of over 3 million words. Good words, at that.
November 16, 2007 Wild Apple Unimplicated In Barry Bonds Case
Wild Apple escaped unharmed by the scandal surrounding Barry Bonds’ alleged use of drugs. Company spokesman O. Verdose commented, “While it is true that Wild Apple can be addicting, and use of Wild Apple artwork is performance-enhancing, the pumped-up nature of the imagery has not been proven to be a result of steroids.” Speculation had linked baseball’s 7-time MVP to Wild Apple because of their comparable home run records.
September 4 , 2007 Wild Apple Unscathed by Subprime Turmoil
Wild Apple has been untouched by subprime market woes, despite high rates of interest in its artwork. “We refuse to mortgage our future on subprime art,” said company CFO Mark Etrate. “There’s a lot of talk about red ink out there, but the only red ink we use is printing great art.” He credited Wild Apple’s variable body of artwork and its fixed emphasis on quality, fun, and chocolate.
July 1 , 2007 iPhony Rips Off Wild Apple
With the frenzied media hype surrounding the long-anticipated product, it's no wonder that a flood of illegal Chinese fake Wild Apple iPhonies hit the market. The counterfeit iPhony features thousands of stolen iOils, iWatercolors, iFlorals and iLandscapes in an easy-to-steal format.
June 27, 2007 Wild Apple: A Sewer Thing
Misunderstanding the New England accent, Wild Apple employees rushed to the announced outdoor "party," which actually turned out to be "potty." It seems the wild septic system went a little too wild, allowing the company to experience some old-time out-house fun. Flushed with the enjoyment of it all, employees nevertheless found relief when the new-fangled indoor plumbing kicked back in.
June 8, 2007 Paris Hilton Out of Jail - The Real Story?
After serving only three full days behind bars, Paris Hilton was released from jail early Thursday. The ostensible reason given to the public was a "medical" issue, but discredited sources report that the judge "bought" Hilton's argument that her undecorated prison cell constituted "cruel and unusual" punishment because it lacked any Wild Apple artwork.
April 23, 2007 Human Cloning Wildly Successful
Applying the same principles and state of the art equipment used in high end art reproduction, Wild Apple's technical team stumbled across an entirely new approach to human cloning. "I thought, hey, I would bring so much joy to my co-workers, if I could just clone myself," said company humanitarian Rob Vaughan. So far the clones have not exhibited a typically colorful Wild Apple personality, as Vaughan admits they are "still working out the last few details." (See photo.)
February 7, 2007 Solar Apple?
Embracing the green movement with open paintbrushes, Wild Apple introduces its line of solar-powered posters. "It's incredible. These posters run on simple sunlight, and they last a long time," said N.V. Ronment. "Now human activity is contributing to positive climate change - in your house with great art."
January 24, 2007 Wild Oscar Nominations
Throngs of avid fans protested the omission of Wild Apple from the Oscar nominations announced this week. "Just because they aren't motion pictures is no excuse,” complained diehard art lover Mo V. Kritick. “The Academy needs to put its head on straight. Wild Apple offers hundreds of images that clearly deserve awards for Best Picture.”
December 6, 2006 No Poisoned Apple
Following the mysterious death of Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko, Wild Apple categorically denied using poloniom 210 in any of its art reproduction posters. "Our artwork does emit a vibrant glow, and it may be the hottest thing since the cold war, but it's not nuclear. Or nucular or however you say it," said spokesman R. D. O. Aktiv.
November 9, 2006 Rumsfeld Rumor: Wild Apple Involved?
Widespread and painstakingly undocumented rumors circulated Washington that Wild Apple engineered the Defense Secretary's resignation yesterday. The obscure Vermont company found ample evidence of Weapons of Artistic Construction in many countries throughout the world, and it successfully championed its "Make Art, Not War" campaign. No one anywhere was willing to comment on record.
November 7, 2006 Landslide Votes for Art
Amidst a sea of close midterm elections, one party scored runaway victories across the country. The splinter Buy Art Party, having rejected mainstream political groups, succeeded at the polls with its pro-art, pro-beauty, pro-chocolate platform. Asked about its unconventional write-in campaign, coalition member Polly Tishin commented, "It wasn't so much of a write-in as a draw-in, paint-in, or sketch-in. Those ballots were so drab before we got our hands on them."
October 10, 2006 Google Fails in Bid for Wild Apple, Settles for YouTube
Wall Street is buzzing about Google’s $1.6 billion acquisition of online video company YouTube. According to undisclosed and highly unreliable sources, YouTube was Google’s second choice, after an unsuccessful offer for Wild Aaaple. Owner and janitor John Chesthair stated that Google’s offer was not sufficient, adding, “We’re not giving away the company, after all. Now, if they had offered $1.7 billion, we might have listened.” Asked to comment on Google’s high price for YouTube, a company with little revenues and no profits, he said, “Hell, we could do that and more.”
August 24, 2006 Pluto Demoted; Planet Wild Apple On Course
“Woodstock, we have a problem.” Having feared the worst, astrophysicists at NASA (Nice Art Suitable for All) celebrated Wild Apple’s secure status in the art universe, even in the face of Pluto’s decommissioning from planet classification. Great art continues to revolve around the gravitational pull of Wild Apple. “We’re sorry to lose Pluto,” said R. Bitt. “It’s common knowledge that the Moon is made of cheese. What’s not so well known is that Pluto is made of chocolate, and thereforewe think it should be upgraded, not downgraded.”
August 23, 2006 Wild Apples Not On A Plane
Wild Apple declined participation in the sequel to Snakes On A Plane, the blockbuster hit film. “We just didn’t think Snakes On A Poster had the same dramatic impact,” commented spokesman Dee Fang. “Snakes On An Artist wasn’t much better.” The company also rejected the submission from the Chinese art printing industry, Fakes on a Plane.
August 10, 2006 Wild Apple Rumored in Options Scandal
Unconfirmed reports circulated the Wall Street interior decorating community suggesting Wild Apple may be involved the SEC's sweeping investigation into the use of options. In response to questioning, Art Director Laurie Chester commented, "It is a true statement that WIld Apple offers options. The number of great options in artwork is indeed almost scandalous. However, in our case, our art options are updated - not backdated."
July 12, 2006 Wild Apple Alleged to Cause Global Warming
A new theory on the causes of global warming puts the blame squarely on Wild Apple. Dozens of scientists, after a decade or more of careful study, offered the explanation in a scholarly journal. "Wild Apple artwork has warmed up rooms in homes all over the world," said one of the researchers. "The cumulative effect is measurable."
June 13, 2006 Fed Chair Comments on Wild Apple Result in Mayhem on Wall Street
Noting Wild Apple’s determined 12 year campaign against inflation without a single price hike, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke inadvertently wreaked havoc on the financial world. Explaining that his comments were wildly misconstrued, Bernanke stated, “What I said was I viewed Wild Apple with a great deal of interest and rate them high, not that they cause high interest rates.” Furthermore he mentioned that Wild Apple “is on the rise and cooking with gas,” and in no way equated the company with rising gas prices.
June 9, 2006 World Cup Soccer Missing Key Players
In a rising controversy drawing international protests and marauding soccer hooligans, not one employee from Team Wild Apple was chosen for World Cup play. “This proves the unfair bias in favor of professionals,” said Belinda Clarke, one of several early-morning soccer players from Wild Apple. “Superior soccer skills aren’t everything, you know. Being in the art business, our style of play is better looking and more artistic.”
April 5, 2006 Katie Couric Ignores Wild Apple, Signs with CBS
After 15 years hosting NBC’s Today Show, Katie Couric told viewers that she is leaving to join CBS, where she will become the first woman appointed to anchor a network evening newscast alone. Astonishingly, she did not even apply to be spokesperson for Wild Apple. No comments surrounding the controversy were forthcoming, nor were indications made as to the wall décor choices on the CBS News set.
March 29, 2006 Apple Records Omits Wild Apple in Suit Against Apple Computer
Dodging a legal bullet, Wild Apple was not included in a trademark suit brought by Apple Records against Apple Computer. “It may have been because Wild Apple has no music-based product, but we suspect it was Wild Apple’s intimidating 4-figure legal budget that did it,” commented Wild Apple attorney R. L. Evant.
February 11, 2006 Wild Apple Employees Safe After Vice-Presidential Shooting Incident
Not one employee of Wild Apple was shot or injured in any way in connection with the Vice President’s so-called hunting accident. A company spokesperson ascribed the positive outcome to employees' possession of "artistic license, not hunting license." With the media full of heart-breaking news stories, it’s a treat to present a feel-good story like this.
September 15, 2005 Wild Apple Denies Multi-Million Dollar Payoff Through Jack Abramoff
Denying allegations of lobbying congressmen and senators for favored placement of Wild Apple artwork in government buildings, company spokesman N. B. Leevabul flatly stated, “Jack who?”